The Bone Clocks

I put my hand on the altar rail. 

What if... what if heaven is real, but only in moments?

Like a glass of water on a hot day when you're dying of thirst, or when someone's nice to you for no reason, or...

Mom's pancakes with Toblerone sauce; Dad dashing up from the bar just to tell me, 'Sleep tight, dont let the bed bugs bite'; or Jacko and Sharon singing 'For She's a Squishy Marshmallow' instead of 'For She's a Jolly Good Fellow' every single birthday and wetting themselves even though its not at all funny; and Brendan giving his old record plater to me instead one of his mates. 

S'pose heaven's not like a painting that's just hanging there for ever, but more like... 

Like the best song anyone ever wrote, but a song you only catches in snatches, while you're alive, from passing cars, or upstairs window when you're lost..

Ghost of Me

 You know i used to tell myself "I don't make friends with the people from my past". 

and I'm kinda proud with myself for it. I don't know why would I made such a statement. Was it because the past was too hurtful to reminisce? or that the people from my past is not good? What happened in the past? 

I made such statements not knowing that the present would become past and do the people in the present not deserved to be friends with me again in the near future? But then I would comfort myself by saying if they're good for me they'll be in my future. 

I have never let myself get to the bottom of it why would I made such remarks. And I never thought the statement would suddenly pop out in my mind again until today. 

I was vulnerable. and I shown my vulnerability to the people, from my past. 

Like when people say, when you fail, try again. 

I don't ever wanna try again. I don't ever wanna show my vulnerability ever again.

So I run from it. I ran and ran, until now. I think the past is finally catching up on me. I have been very distraught since last April up until now. It's like they've been begging for a place inside my mind.

What. The. Fuck.