Thursday, February 23, 2017

I Hate This Feeling


The fact that today is the day... i went to hospital. Im not a fan of medicine or hospital.. its not that i dont trust them its just.. i hate to go to hospital. And today, i went. Basically, what i wrote today is just to sort out what a week i had. *sigh

Have you ever feel like you are useless? im okay with just problem *probably* but this... i hate this feeling. These few days i dont know why im feeling like shit. Im feeling so down. For real. I dont always feel like this but i feel like my confidence is being shredded here. Its hard. You wanna know how hard? Trying to act all is fine when you know youre not. Trying to face all the dumbshit poor decisions you ever made. Trying to feel good about yourself when youre aware theres nothing for you to feel good about. That you desperately trying to continue living life knowing any seconds later the thought of suicide lingers in your mind. Months ago where you had your future planned so good but everything gets in the way and every single things is stopping your walk, blurred your path, and every single thing of it ruining it. Yup, life is harder than we all thought.

I know i shouldnt be like this. I know i shouldnt complained. But, all these hardships were just... too much for me to bear. Dont say im comparing my life to others. But to see it from my perspective, why am i the only person who struggles the longest? Do i live my karma already? This early? Its always worse than it seems. The second i thought the sky shining is the second it thunderstorm. The problem is too much for me to handle. I dont know where they all come from. All i could do is that, to hope that i could go through this one and there would be no next one.

You know, how 2016 crushed my life so hard im barely breathing and now... is it starting already? Maybe this is what they call depression. Everyday i just woke up thinking i could do better trying to think positively that it is okay to be myself but the next morning i know it surely isnt true. I dont know how i do this i dont know about everything i dont know. I dont know how to let this feeling left me. This is worse than being bullied in school or work or stuffs or fuck it. Even now i couldnt express what i feel how i feel. 

I feel like shit. Fuck everything fuck everyone fuck all of you. The fact that im angry, dissapointed, sad and all the same vocabulary i dont know how to express it cause i think im fine and the problems i had is....... gahh fuck everything. I just wanna maki semua orang maki semua benda even pokok sebelah rumah ni i want to maki. Babilah kamu semuanya.