Sunday, October 15, 2017

Your secret life

Sza - The Weekend
Charlie Puth - I wont tell a soul
Dewi Dewi - Begitu salah begitu benar 


If you all listened to above song then maybe you'd understand what im trying to say this time.


Tuesday, August 29, 2017



I felt like i had to write here.

I stopped by the nearest mamak near my working area and while waiting for the food, i scrolled down twitter and i frowned so suddenly. i read above tweet, and yes, because i didnt get the chance to ask mi mama.

I almost never talks about my family to anyone. and when im being asked, i tried to be cool and shits but actually, im so vulnerable about my family. one knock, and im shattered. Actually, yes. i get so disturbed when people around me start talking about their mom & dad. I never have the chance to ask my mom, how does she felt when she knew she had me, the moment i came out, what are her weird actions for as long im in her belly, her cravings, what she liked to eat at the moment, how is she reacting and so on. I never will find out.

and because my dad is doesnt talk alot, he will only talks about the important so.. i guess me too will never know what he felt like when he knew he had me, when he sees me for the first time. what he did knowing that im coming.. up until i finished high school. he once complained me why i cant get straight A's for SPM and by his words, looks like im dissapointing him. he never attend any of my award ceremony, and that is why, i dont like to go on stage, accepting any award for being clever, excellent blablabla thats why i stay on the ground. cause i dont like to go on stage.

Just so you know, i am defenseless when it comes to families, the one i loved. too susceptible about hearts and feelings. You can see it too. you can feel it too. The next time you wanna talk about family, do it behind my back. cause at the end of the day, i will imagined how different my life would and could be if my parents is still here. how difference the situation will be when i still have my families around.

Mom & Pop, i misses you. <3 br="">

Saturday, August 26, 2017

Coffee Talk


I went on hibernate for a few months yeah. not updating anything. not until tonight, i have the mood to type and post something here. so here is my story. 

As usual, not much happening since April, well actually... lots. hehe. Let me try to get it sort out one by one ya. 

Its already August, i skipped Raya, my cousin's and brother's wedding, and utmost, my birthday. Nearly September, and soon 2017 to end. How time flies. 

First of all, i changed jobs. I accepted an offer, of which i do not know the task, the responsibilities, duties and scope and anything about the position. Guess what? I am in love with my job. This position allows me to deal with a lot of people from a lot of sector. Be it transportation, travel & tours, plantation, construction, finance, laws, taxes, animal farming, medical and everything. Everyday i talk to different people from different paths of life. Be it Datuk, Datuk Sri, Datuk that has been blacklisted by CCRIS *this one true story*, and Datin. So far, no other than these title i dealt with but im looking forward to soon. This are one of the random step i took in life and ended up enjoying it. Though my superior(s) are very intriguing and strict, but yeah, im loving my job! 

All in those things about my job, i have the best working environment. I made friends across the departments, and across the building as well. Including the janitor, the guards, and people from other offices as well. We had a bar/pub right below our office, and i made friends with the waitress(es) too! How introvert was i to easily made friends with nearly everyone now??? But of course, what starts in the office, stays in the office. I seldom went out with my colleagues off the office hours... so yeah. 

Of all these, i always imagined how i would end up working somewhere 'Bank' or financial institutions in or off Malaysia, and practices everything i learn during my Degree time. But nope, my job now doesnt have anything to do with what i learn earlier. But im glad and still learning about everything and im happy :) I always said about how i dont want to work as someone who will constantly deal with people, constantly meeting new person every week and taaadaa.. I ended up working somewhere with the position that requires my PR skill to be on top, to communicate with new person on daily basis and im glad i did it. Alhamdulilah for everything. 

Its August, and i just want to say.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me. My birthday this year, continues to be like last year's birthday, and i appreciate those who remember. and wishes me. Thank you. 

Oh, didnt i tell you, my brother has married? Yes. and im still single. Im happy for him. at least he got someone to take care of him now. We used to play together but now, he lived with his wife already despite he's only 22 years old. Bro, i love you. and will always will. My cousin *some of my friend call her my twin* also married. Of which im so happy for her. Now that we seldom hang out i missed her. Yet we occasionally text and talk like we used to when she still single. Except that it is done when we are facing each other. Cannot through phone later her husband check our conversation then dead lah. 

I am counting to November and December. Why? Because my other cousin is getting married too! *excited* and Nana is going to graduate! Cant wait to see her! *excited* and of course, Wani is getting married too! I am so happy for them! Like genuinely happy. But im not sure, if me and nana will go for Wani's wedding later so.. i just had to control my purchases so that i have extra cash to use just in case we went for it. on last mins. But i hope we will cause, duhhh its a wedding!! though its in KL so.... WANI loh! should go. 

Actually i ran out of things in my mind to write. actually i have but i think its not suitable for it to be here, so i will just not write it here. Take a look at the subtle hint on my twitter. heheh.

Last but not least, i feast you with few photos from the outdoor photoshoot from my brother's wedding.

So long, again.

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Engagement #acapuja


Its sunday. I struggle myself to get out of bed early morning... struggling with my laziness.. Anddd taraaa, i did get out okay. I succeeded in my 2.9km morning run this morning *standing ovation* *clapclap*. Ya i know, i supposed to do double but since im running errands today.. so.. yeah. But because im feeling energetic and productive, i decided to write today. Yeayy

In case you guys missed it, i did talked about my brother sudden decision to get marry by the mid of this year. Things go well as planned last night.. alhamdulilah one step closer. Last night, is tunang cum hantar duit kahwin. Because everything goes on smooth last night, it ends early. We go home dalam pukul 10.30 like that, lepak rumah aunt kejap and by midnight baru balik. Yaloh, kan benda best mestilah mau ada lepak2 lagi. In addition, bincang majlis sebelah lelaki pula lagi semalam with my aunt.. tapi seems to be awal sangat. But then June is already puasa, ndakan lah mau urus time puasa2 kan? Biar majlis sebelah perempuan done lah dulu. Baru bincang balik yang tuh. 

As usual, mesti ada gambar k. HAhahha. Semalam is 7 vs 9. We did it all by ourselves. I mean yang 7 tulah. But then, it was so tiring and exhausting. Mana mencari bunga, withdraw duit, cari itu ini oh god, very penat one. Ours was the pink one. Contrary to what i had in mind, those werent the results. But because my sister ambil cuti on friday, she go buy all the thing ikut suka hati dia. My second sister ni so cheapskate so she only took whats affordable and murah even buruk pun asal murah dia ambil. So i have to make it look nice and pretty using whatever she bought. But then, ada reben and wrapper yang habis, so we need to keluar again saturday morning beli whatever habis.

Everyone was so excited masing2 pun mau angkat dulang. Sebab in my family, my cousins we are lack of boys, girls banyak so yeah.. sekali skala ada majlis sebelah lelaki dalam family kami. Thats why kena buat best2, lawa2 sebab bukan selalu ada begini. Tinggal my brother yang tua tuh and my cousin yang lelaki, si Nuh

Jadinyaaa.. begitulah. May allah ease this one for us family, and for my brother juga. 

Thursday, March 30, 2017

🚩Rang Bulan @ Moon Bay , Kota Belud


So.... because i was in the mood to write today.. because im feeling happy!! hihi. Last weekend i went for a family trip, 2 days and 1 night at the Rang Bulan Beach, Kota Belud. You guys may google the place for picture becaus i dont take picture of the nature so much so... yeah. 

As usual, this kind of family trip.. we gathered around at my aunt's house, waiting for the others to arrive. Well, not others.. its basically us. My sisters, brothers and me. Because, our family are the one that stays quite far from them. We used to live in the neighbourhood but we moved few years ago so yeah. We moved, and my aunts still lives there.

The trip took about 1 and half hour to reach from KK, but i think it should be 1 hour only. But because we like to stop by anywhere. Singgah tandas lah, pegi beli makanan and beli umpan oh also beli buah. Well, of course, every time singgah i turun beli makanan and MAKAN MAKAN MAKAN. Bila oh mau kurus begini.

By the time we reach there, it was at noon somewhat somewhat.. so indeed the sun is scorching hot. But there was 2 or 3 gerai buka because like ada pertandingan memancing whatever whatever. I wasnt paying attention to it, we were only busy taking pictures, looking at the sea. Memang cantik. memang lawa. But... its beach... right? What else can you do at beaches? Mandi laut????? Id like that one only despite they have banyak2 aktiviti here. heheh

Hanna Comel

Look whos the one with goggles and pelampung kura2? OMG HAhahahaha

Sorry as my photos are not doing enough justice of how this place looks like, but i can assure you it is beautiful, and worth of your 1 and 1/2 hours ride from KK.

If you ask me to be honest... id say... once in this beach is enough. because i dont do water sports.. water kind of thing i just know how to sunbath. Yes, i do love beaches, the blue and green waters but.. thats it...? So, at night during the stay i really dont know what to do because i totally, i mean like all of us totally have no coverage. and when i was told to go to sleep, i look at my watch and its only 9pm. Like, the hell 9pm sleep? Cant do anything since it was wet outside, no coverage, no wifi, no tv and no.. just no. I was thinking of going outside and despite the wetness, i went out and sat there for about 15mins and not later than that, the idea of 'kepala terbang' goes into my mind and oh shit... i go back in.

Kepala terbang is balan2, and very widely used in a particular village in Kota Belud. And this beach, surprisingly next to that particular village, which... you know, makes me terus masuk tidur. oh and, i would say too that the chalet, isnt very comfortable. there are spider web, ants, not to mention mosquitoes too, and spider. the mattress provided arent very comforting either, plus the pillow.. i dont know. So, if you guys thinking of going here make sure bring your own cover, blanket, and pillow or at least pillow case. If possible, sleep with socks on because i got bitten by mosquitoes even i covered myself. and its excruciating itchy and it turns red already.

But overall, it was nice staying here.. so much privacy because not lots of people went here. and if they do, they would stay for a moment and ciao. But... as i said earlier, one night probably enough and you wanna spend it on a more comfortable rooms in Karambunai resort. But you guys can try banana boat, kayak, fishing, snorkelling and some of the things they provide here. My brothers and my aunts went to fishing and they all got grouper.. masak on the spot. Mayyyn sadap. 

Sunday, March 19, 2017




So, in the few previous entry i talked about going for a trip with my aunts and cousin or getting the things i wanted sejak berzaman dulu. Now you can see, i abandon my most wanted wishlist, and decided to go with them yeayy. *nangis*. Sudalah tiket beli last minit *so you guys may guess how much im spending only for flight ticket even if its Airasia*.

At first, i tell myself to not spend so much, but.... when you see people spending way too much, and the prices are very attractive.. i cant help *mcm terpengaruh* and go to the nearest ATM to withdraw. Tapi... i couldnt find any. Trus i pun macam oh syukur no need to spend so much lah ni *tetiba my aunt ckap, swipe sajeeee - macam iklan hahaa and ada jua cash sini pakailah dulu* and im like em. APA LAGI TRUS MENCARI BARANGLAH. But because in this situation we're in kedai emas, i ambil gelang tangan & gelang kaki terus T_T.

 It doesnt end there. Sebab in KL we're mostly jalan kaki tinguk2 the streets i tend to buy makanan yang kena jual tepi jalan. saitan and because of that.. i now makin berat T_T. Duit habis dekat makanan, emas dan kain. Baju not that much jugalah sebab nda masuk pun butik. If ada my brother ok i dare masuk butik hahah.

But because they depend on me so much, buat ni buat tuh it made me realize yang.. aku ni sebenarnya kalau jalan sendiri ok juga. Cuma perlu duit banyakss lah kan. Trus terpikir repeat Ho Chi Minh. HIhihi

Nampak gemuk *hampa*


Vietnam coffee, but not really viet
Yang nih, excuse me tapi saya jarang selfie hahah

Penat tunggu macik memilih


Friday, March 3, 2017



Rasa macam mau tulis pula harini. Remember my previous post i talked about my cousins and his grandpa getting married? Yes. Kawin dah last week and now boleh start counting days to Moy's wedding pula. A lot of things happen last week.. eh really? Entahlah.

Actually i just want to tepek gambar2 dekat sini haha. Ok whatever.

Habis wedding *because the wedding takes place dekat Tuaran* me and my sisters decided to take a visit at cowboy town tuh. What they call it, err Sabandar rides blablabla.. This place nothing pun. Zero indah khabar dari rupa. But if you wanna ride horses bodoh2 tahan panas uhh i guess boleh lah kot. Tapi as always queue dia sangat panjang sudalah kau menunggu di bawah kanopi panas dengan temperature yang scorching hot. heh tidaklah. Thanks banyak2.

 But this one kuda catches my attention. Its name Tiger. Entahlah her or him. But look at those eyes, macam mata manusia kan? Looking polite and obedient. Rasanya her, sebab got that demure look. Lol. Ok yang kiri tu please bagi i can untuk selfie. #bukanselalu

Oh sebab one way with the lokan bakar and all punya shits, kami singgah kejap. But hell, this one gerai took us so long i finished makanan lain before the lokan arrived. Sempat gaduh lagi dengan pelayan dia sebab makanan lambat. Dari situ, i belajar untuk tidak mau makan di kedai yang servis dia lambat. Nanti sia sia kena maki. Tengoklah lokan dia tuh, nda meyelerakan pun. Hish.

Ok cerita lain.

See, thank you 2017 because as of March, you surprises me well so much. It was a spontaneous decision. Even my big brother tu pun ask him if he did anything wrong *because of the sudden act* but hey thats my little brother. He wouldnt did something like that! So, the day he decided to marry is the day he told us to 'merisik' that perempuan. Terus pegi daftar kursus kawin. And the best part is that the girl's family only know time petang tu when its the night we want to go merisik. Everyone was so shocked because my little brother is jenis pendiam, dont talk much and did anything by his own. And then, semua orang pun mau ikut that night. Because everyone malas drive bawa kereta kasi sumbat 1 kereta saja. Nasib innova tu muat haha.

Btw my brother is '95, baru umur 22? or 21? *malas kira*. So, bincang2 that night... and kata pun sudah sepakat. Tarikh kawin is bulan 5. After Moy's punya wedding. Everyone macam... uhh May? Lepas kawin moy? But yalah kan... Bulan 5 is bulan syaaban, the suitable time to kawin. Yakah? Antah... the girl's family cakap. Hantar duit is awal bulan 4. Harap dipermudahkan everything. So i guess i'll be occupied these few months *cari baju* *cari barang hantaran* *buat barang hantaran* Ok, kawin orang lain i pula yang busy. Hikhik. 

So.... now? heheh.

Till i writes again. Bye.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

I Hate This Feeling


The fact that today is the day... i went to hospital. Im not a fan of medicine or hospital.. its not that i dont trust them its just.. i hate to go to hospital. And today, i went. Basically, what i wrote today is just to sort out what a week i had. *sigh

Have you ever feel like you are useless? im okay with just problem *probably* but this... i hate this feeling. These few days i dont know why im feeling like shit. Im feeling so down. For real. I dont always feel like this but i feel like my confidence is being shredded here. Its hard. You wanna know how hard? Trying to act all is fine when you know youre not. Trying to face all the dumbshit poor decisions you ever made. Trying to feel good about yourself when youre aware theres nothing for you to feel good about. That you desperately trying to continue living life knowing any seconds later the thought of suicide lingers in your mind. Months ago where you had your future planned so good but everything gets in the way and every single things is stopping your walk, blurred your path, and every single thing of it ruining it. Yup, life is harder than we all thought.

I know i shouldnt be like this. I know i shouldnt complained. But, all these hardships were just... too much for me to bear. Dont say im comparing my life to others. But to see it from my perspective, why am i the only person who struggles the longest? Do i live my karma already? This early? Its always worse than it seems. The second i thought the sky shining is the second it thunderstorm. The problem is too much for me to handle. I dont know where they all come from. All i could do is that, to hope that i could go through this one and there would be no next one.

You know, how 2016 crushed my life so hard im barely breathing and now... is it starting already? Maybe this is what they call depression. Everyday i just woke up thinking i could do better trying to think positively that it is okay to be myself but the next morning i know it surely isnt true. I dont know how i do this i dont know about everything i dont know. I dont know how to let this feeling left me. This is worse than being bullied in school or work or stuffs or fuck it. Even now i couldnt express what i feel how i feel. 

I feel like shit. Fuck everything fuck everyone fuck all of you. The fact that im angry, dissapointed, sad and all the same vocabulary i dont know how to express it cause i think im fine and the problems i had is....... gahh fuck everything. I just wanna maki semua orang maki semua benda even pokok sebelah rumah ni i want to maki. Babilah kamu semuanya.