*this post was supposed to go publish on (Monday) 4th April 2016. Due to unavoidable circumstances, i decided to save the post and continue writing whenever i have spare time*
Astaghfirullah hal azim
I type this as flows of tears running fast down my cheek. This is all comes from myself. You know, im not the type to spill my problem to people so here would be the best choices. Best chances you dont know who i am and this blog will never ever be found by someone who knows me. I type this as i listen to Zikir penenang hati in youtube, using my roomate laptop and im alone in my room (hostel). This may be the last entry would be posted in this year from my hostel using my college wifi. As what im going to tell you, is very sad, frustating, dissappointing and... heartbreaking.
All along this year and late 2015, i have been hit by a load of bad things and bad lucks. I guess its normal in life but then i didnt take it seriously of what it could lead me to. im so depressed right now like i dont know what i should do or how i shall react to all the things that happened to me in these 6 few months. I just hope Allah is there for me, as he watches and help me to go through these things.
We human have been tested with alot of test. And i think the series of test is just a wake up call from Allah to me. Thank you Allah. My laptop broke late 2015, and i successfully recover it. But then, 1 month later, it broke again. With the same problem. But still, i didnt realized that it was test from Allah. Alot of things happen in my semester 5, but i stay still. i didnt do anything as i think i was superior enough to handle all these.
I wait till semester break to repair my laptop. I feel hopeless, powerless, and useless during my semester break. Because i was like being a dog. A dog in my own home. except for the fact that i seldom tiden up my home. All i do all day is just lay down, wasap, sleep, eat and then.. do nothing. like a dog, right?
I went to repair my laptop 1 day before going back to labuan. Week 1 of final semester theeen my laptop broke again. With the same problem. I just felt like i could do nothing. and of course my lips popped out swollen so big i decided to go home by the first week. As for my laptop, i ask the help of my friend that could format and he just accept to format my laptop. Days after, he couldnt repair. HE COULDNT REPAIR. I was so devastated that i cried. Not much, but little. Still, i didnt realized that it was a wakeup call from Allah. I sent it to my other friend. Alhamdulilah, he could format and everything is back on track.
As im in my final semester, i need to search for internship placement, submit my final year project report and everything seems due too soon. within week 1 of going home, i started sending my resume to respective companies. Oh, did i tell you that the letter of indemnity for me was wrong? Yes. my matric number was Nana's. I dont know whose fault it is but yes, the affected one was me and i just realized it a day before i got home to kk. So, my flight was in the tomorrow morning and i realized the fault in evening before. So much stress. So, i told my roomate to ask the Faculty for me,and just email me when its done. BUT THEY DONT FREAKING EMAIL. So, i wait for a month for just 1 email and day 1 week 1 then i received my letter of indemnity. Duhhh
Week 2 of final semester, i started doing my fyp and the respective assignment assigned. HOLY DAMN my laptop broke out again. I am so mad that i went to sleep and decided to go home at week 3. Yes, i go home again to finish my fyp report and my assignments. I didnt go to class for 1 week, or at least 3 classes (1 of them is signed and i left 1 quiz). but i didnt care, as long as my work is done then its ok for me.
Week 3 in home, i still got a problem even though i got a large pc and a strong stable wifi connection. Since my fyp report uses eviews then i NEED to install eviews in pc. but i cant find eviews crack that can be installed. instead, i installed virus and other viruses in pc making my pc lagged all over. I CANNOT FIND EVIEWS CRACK. I did, but it cant be installed i dont know whats the problem so yeah.
i tried the demo version of eviews. Alhamdulilah, i waited several days for their email, and i finally got it. But still, demo version cannot be installed in my pc. Major dissappointment. I dont know whats happening to my pc. So i decided to find some other pcs in my home. I got 3 laptops. Ok, lets check one by one. The Acer one got so much problem, including blue screen and the keyboard is no longer functioning. The HP one is no longer function, it has dead. Ok, then the 1malaysia laptop. Is okay but slowsss like snail. So, i cleanse the laptop almost 2 days and it has speed up a bit. Oh btw, my own laptop is no longer usable and i just put it in my room.
So, i install eviews in there and alhamdulilah, it work! so, i did my report on pc and uses the eviews in the small 1 malaysia laptop. OKKK. At least i couldve finish my work then its ok. Alhamdulilah. Oh, i left the part where i soaked my phone in toilet bowl. As i go home in week 3, i went to toilet whilst waiting for my brother to fetch me from terminal. Sooooo yes i accidentally dropped my phone in the toilet bowl... how sad. So i have no phone for 1 week. But then jackpot, i found my sister's phone under the pillow. she went to australia that time she left her one phone cause she has too many phone. So, when i switched on.. i read messages which one were coming from my own uncle.. He asks us to lower down the car rent.. and i immediately cried that time. Oh, we rented our car to him for RM2,100 per month.. and he demanded to be lower down a bit like RM1,900 and my brother and sister says yes. But then, he wants it to be lower down to RM1,500 again like whattafuckfish are you saying? u know our family dont have parents and now you just wanna pay us RM1,500 monthly. And yes, he's been paying that amount since last year according to my brother whatsapp chat.
I am so furious and guilty that i cried on the spot. I always asks for everything and yet they try to fulfill my demand and wishes. I FELT SO GUILTY.
After that.. i finished my fyp report and everything and of course there is a little test for me like the mutual fund subject i dont know what i did with that subject. Like seriously i dont know what to do. All i learn all this is just stock and bonds and forex and everything but mutual fund is new for me and i cant seem to catch up. Fuh.
So, after my fyp thingy and series of class... in week 5.. i got to know that i was already JATUH STATUS TANGGUH. I was so depressed and i think people yang ada anxiety tuh begini lah rasa dia. my heart got dupdap dupdap cause i attend every lecture and did all the tutorials and suddenly i was told to EXTEND. not for my name okay.
I go to ask the counter and she says yes you tangguh and terpaksa tangguh. because i didnt register. ya lah ok it was my fault too because i didnt register. but you know why? because in order to register the subject you need to pay the fees first. Since i didnt have any scholarships and student loan i cannot pay on timeframe of week 1. they say only pay within week 1 and then register within week 1 also. But i didnt know i was going to jatuh status tangguh. Me is so sad. Then this time, only i realized.. ALL THESE WERE A SERIES OF WAKEUP CALL. I dont even submit to this and now.. Allah gave me so much tests for me to realize.. that i am not superior..i cant go through this alone.. i need to cry and ask for his help.. Astaghfirullah ya Allah..
Aku harap.. orang yang urus tuh dilembutkan hatinya.. i nak grad tahun ni juga.. tanak lah tahun depan.. please ya Allah.. Bagilah aku ketenangan untuk menghadapi semua ini..
I tried to talk to office again on Wednesday this week but fortunately they called me earlier.. saying that i got to write them an official letter. I havent still got their response till now. But yeah.. i just have to look forward and.. i hope i can corrects it. :)
Thank you ya Allah for everything that happens. You made me realize that i should holds on to you at all time! I shouldve realize this earlier, but then.. Thank you for all the knowledge, physical appearances, cliques and EVERYTHING you gave me from my first breath till now. Aku bersyukur ya Allah :). Permudahkan lah urusan ku ini ya Allah Amin Amin Amin
Till then, XOXO