Thursday, September 18, 2014

A Quick Spill

Bismillahirahmanirrahim..

Well, i guess hello is an order. Basically im here to write about the insane week i've had. Hoping it could help me sort out my feelings and move on from thousands of mistakes i have made. I dont know to whom should i spill this to.. Everyone was deceived by the masks i put on, not even one people know how i really feel right now. Well, probably they do. Its just they dont want to ask me cause once they asked, i will burst right into tears.. I cant stand it, so i decided to just type everything here..

It seems like everything becomes miserable in my life now. One second i thought i have the best time of my life and next, i frowned. Frowned that i dont even know how to turn it upside down. What happens? Entahlah. "Entahlah" is a simple word that i can describe why am i miserable in terrible way.. I am depressed, stressed, grieve, tired, and somehow i feel loss..

Actually, i am missing my home. I miss my sister, my brother, my bed, my cats and everything everyone at home. The feel at home isnt the same as here in hostel.. Since new semester has begun, lots of thing i have to endure with. My school fees, my books, my food, my pocket money, and all those financial things i have to deal with.. I dont apply for any loans nor apply any scholarships.. I stand on my own. Fully supported by my sister. I dont care if i dont get that delightful meals i lusted for so that i can save some.. Apa guna saya duduk selesa sini kalau yang membanting tulang 4 kerat tuh kakak saya kan? Saya malu juga mau balik2 minta duit sama diorang. I dont have no parents i am an orphan so i need to allocate my financial stuff better..

And, up until now.. If any person happen to read this.. PLEASE LAH. Jangan bagi harapan sama orang lain kalau in the end kamu sendiri yang give up! Aku penat lah. I try my best to fall in love with you tapi apa kau buat sama saya ohh? The moment i fall in love with you is the moment you fall out with me. I am truly disappointed dengan kau oh. Aku sudah cakap awal2, jangan cakap pasal future, jangan berjanji manis jangan main2 dengan perkataan kahwin tunang and all that.. Kau tidak kesian ka sama saya? I understand your sudden decision. My instinct told me earlier. But i was blinded by your sweet talks and again, i myself hurt meself. What a stupid. You put hope in me and you left me macam tuh ja kan? karma is on their way boo.

But then, lepas fikir pasal semua ni.. I should be thankful kan.. I have roof over my head, i have food on the table.. And yes, i still have friends.. Dan lagi 1, saya ada Allah SWT kan. Kenapa mau stress? Kenapa depressed? Allah kan ada.. Saya sangat beruntung. Dapat further studies, came across with many kinds of people, dapat rasa pakai baju baju cantik. Astaghfirullah.. betapa banyaknya tidak ternilai rahmat Allah SWT dengan aku.

Buat apa aku jatuhkan air mata aku sekadar untuk seorang lelaki kan? sekadar untuk masalah di dunia kan? Apalah sangat.

Apalah sangat.
Kebahagiaan di dunia berbanding kebahagiaan di Syurga,
Kesedihan di dunia berbanding kesedihan di akhirat nanti.

Astaghfirullah..