Saturday, March 3, 2018

Mental Health Awareness

Its already March...

The entire january and february got me going back and forth around hospitals in my area. Firstly, my sister in law is pregnant and when my brother cant go and accompany her we went together. Then, my cousin also had her weekly check up near my working place that whenever she went to review her pregnancy, i popped out of nowhere want to see the 3d baby scan. hehe. Also, one of my cousin got admitted and operated due to appendix.

But on top of all that, you know why do i feel scare? im afraid that because i always go back to hospital because my older sister got diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder with Major Depression. She had her check up and review, purchasing meds, going around 5 different hospitals, H-O-S-P-I-T-A-L-, It was not clinic, it was Hospital. See different doctor and psychiatrist every week. I felt so pity to her. All this while we all was so dependent to her. She paid my school fees, she paid the bills, insurances, and foods. but for once i never heard her complaint....

I guess that is why she got diagnosed with that. One visit to hospital would cost her around rm300, only for the meds, she was prescribed with xanax and lexapro.. which was too expensive for us. Not including the consultation fees. She would feel anxious at all times, feeling tired and exhausted at all times. She would prefer to lay down at all time. she wouldnt move an inch for the whole day worst case. I only see her in her normal condition one time, when she acts like her old self, motivated and passionated. Only that day. one day only. Imagine seeing your older sister, stays at home, sick and cant do anything.

She was given one month medical leave, which was on February, and supposedly by march she should be stabil already, since she took the meds.. next visit would be on next friday. Pray for us people, pray for us. I hope she recover already because i want my old sister back. Plus she's going to climb Mountain this end of march so i hope that she will recover soon.

My sister works in a professional sector, and so do i. Im afraid im going to have mental health issue as well because oh ya all my clients are problematic and troublesome. well, majority. Im thinking of pursuing my passion now. im thinking of resigning my job. im thinking of quitting everything and ran away. I got stressed out sometimes but i try to hold it in because i might hurt my colleagues or clients. or families. or relatives.

Though it is only mental health, but im scared seeing my sister's condition every day. she would say she's exhausted all day, even though she didnt do anything. Ive had enough loss in my life i couldnt have another loss. Mental health problem is its eating you from the inside, killing all the vibes within you.

To my sister, i love you. we love you. You can do this! Miss you.

Dear whoever reads this, do pray for us. Thank you. :')

Sunday, January 21, 2018

All of that "2017, Surprise me...."

Hello guys!

I guess its not too late for me to say Happy New Year 2018.... no? Hello people. How you doing? Whats good? Is everything brewing just like you wanted to? or things go south and sour and you dont like it? Nevermind.. life is full of surprises we never know whats coming next. Hihih

I did say once i would prefer if 2017 surprises me that im holding no expectations throughout the year and just move with the flow. Guess what? It really does its job. Im... literally surprise.

Well at first, lots of people around me is getting married.. my childhood cousins(Mellysa & Robert, Cath & Rashid), both of my brothers, and second is.. that i accept an opportunity to learn something new. thirdly, i met with alot of new people, i made friends with them. well, actually not much but thats not the only things happened. This year we didnt took any vacation trips as.. i think we are too busy handling all the receptions. Lepas 1, satu lagi. No weekend time for family.

1. Wedding

You know everybody loves wedding. 2017 alone dah banyak cousin i kawin. My childhood cousin lagi tu. They make the "When is yours?" questions legit to be asked to me already. and i reached that stage already. When my aunts know about her getting married and suddenly their eyes turning at me, wanting to know how is my kawin status already. Have i found the right man? if no, when? if yes, please bring him to us. But you know, as a cool legit person i stayed calm cause honestly...i cant commit to something big... ya know, like marriage. Hihi

But then... the questions is being asked more often when my brother said he wanted to get married. io mean my younger brother. He's currently 22 years old, and his wife is 20 years old. Such a young copule wanting to get together so bad. but who cares, nasib his wife pretty hahah. both are also working already so i think that shouldnt be a problem. Wani pun kawin dahhh tapi i tak pergi because tiket semua mahal plus theres my superior wont approve my leave cause no replacement during the time. :(

2. Opportunity

I think ive posted entries about the job opportunity i accepted into without knowing the general knowledge of it. and it turns out great! It drifts away from what i studied before but yeah, i love what i do. It is totally different than what i imagine. I hate to speak to random people at first but now i was required to talk to people from all walks of life. I dealt with a lot of people. And im loving it!


Overall i think that is my highlight for the year. Of course lots of other things happen too but i decided to keep it only in my memories. Some are too private for me to disclose it here. and also, 2018 starts off pretty bitch towards me. Lets not do that often okay 2018.

I dont usually do some new year resolutions but im turning 2* this year so i decided to keep my shit together and figure out the best way to live life. Pray for me, friends. Pray for me.

Until then, goodbye!

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Your secret life

Sza - The Weekend
Charlie Puth - I wont tell a soul
Dewi Dewi - Begitu salah begitu benar 


If you all listened to above song then maybe you'd understand what im trying to say this time.


Tuesday, August 29, 2017



I felt like i had to write here.

I stopped by the nearest mamak near my working area and while waiting for the food, i scrolled down twitter and i frowned so suddenly. i read above tweet, and yes, because i didnt get the chance to ask mi mama.

I almost never talks about my family to anyone. and when im being asked, i tried to be cool and shits but actually, im so vulnerable about my family. one knock, and im shattered. Actually, yes. i get so disturbed when people around me start talking about their mom & dad. I never have the chance to ask my mom, how does she felt when she knew she had me, the moment i came out, what are her weird actions for as long im in her belly, her cravings, what she liked to eat at the moment, how is she reacting and so on. I never will find out.

and because my dad is doesnt talk alot, he will only talks about the important so.. i guess me too will never know what he felt like when he knew he had me, when he sees me for the first time. what he did knowing that im coming.. up until i finished high school. he once complained me why i cant get straight A's for SPM and by his words, looks like im dissapointing him. he never attend any of my award ceremony, and that is why, i dont like to go on stage, accepting any award for being clever, excellent blablabla thats why i stay on the ground. cause i dont like to go on stage.

Just so you know, i am defenseless when it comes to families, the one i loved. too susceptible about hearts and feelings. You can see it too. you can feel it too. The next time you wanna talk about family, do it behind my back. cause at the end of the day, i will imagined how different my life would and could be if my parents is still here. how difference the situation will be when i still have my families around.

Mom & Pop, i misses you. <3 br="">

Saturday, August 26, 2017

Coffee Talk


I went on hibernate for a few months yeah. not updating anything. not until tonight, i have the mood to type and post something here. so here is my story. 

As usual, not much happening since April, well actually... lots. hehe. Let me try to get it sort out one by one ya. 

Its already August, i skipped Raya, my cousin's and brother's wedding, and utmost, my birthday. Nearly September, and soon 2017 to end. How time flies. 

First of all, i changed jobs. I accepted an offer, of which i do not know the task, the responsibilities, duties and scope and anything about the position. Guess what? I am in love with my job. This position allows me to deal with a lot of people from a lot of sector. Be it transportation, travel & tours, plantation, construction, finance, laws, taxes, animal farming, medical and everything. Everyday i talk to different people from different paths of life. Be it Datuk, Datuk Sri, Datuk that has been blacklisted by CCRIS *this one true story*, and Datin. So far, no other than these title i dealt with but im looking forward to soon. This are one of the random step i took in life and ended up enjoying it. Though my superior(s) are very intriguing and strict, but yeah, im loving my job! 

All in those things about my job, i have the best working environment. I made friends across the departments, and across the building as well. Including the janitor, the guards, and people from other offices as well. We had a bar/pub right below our office, and i made friends with the waitress(es) too! How introvert was i to easily made friends with nearly everyone now??? But of course, what starts in the office, stays in the office. I seldom went out with my colleagues off the office hours... so yeah. 

Of all these, i always imagined how i would end up working somewhere 'Bank' or financial institutions in or off Malaysia, and practices everything i learn during my Degree time. But nope, my job now doesnt have anything to do with what i learn earlier. But im glad and still learning about everything and im happy :) I always said about how i dont want to work as someone who will constantly deal with people, constantly meeting new person every week and taaadaa.. I ended up working somewhere with the position that requires my PR skill to be on top, to communicate with new person on daily basis and im glad i did it. Alhamdulilah for everything. 

Its August, and i just want to say.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me. My birthday this year, continues to be like last year's birthday, and i appreciate those who remember. and wishes me. Thank you. 

Oh, didnt i tell you, my brother has married? Yes. and im still single. Im happy for him. at least he got someone to take care of him now. We used to play together but now, he lived with his wife already despite he's only 22 years old. Bro, i love you. and will always will. My cousin *some of my friend call her my twin* also married. Of which im so happy for her. Now that we seldom hang out i missed her. Yet we occasionally text and talk like we used to when she still single. Except that it is done when we are facing each other. Cannot through phone later her husband check our conversation then dead lah. 

I am counting to November and December. Why? Because my other cousin is getting married too! *excited* and Nana is going to graduate! Cant wait to see her! *excited* and of course, Wani is getting married too! I am so happy for them! Like genuinely happy. But im not sure, if me and nana will go for Wani's wedding later so.. i just had to control my purchases so that i have extra cash to use just in case we went for it. on last mins. But i hope we will cause, duhhh its a wedding!! though its in KL so.... WANI loh! should go. 

Actually i ran out of things in my mind to write. actually i have but i think its not suitable for it to be here, so i will just not write it here. Take a look at the subtle hint on my twitter. heheh.

Last but not least, i feast you with few photos from the outdoor photoshoot from my brother's wedding.

So long, again.